When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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