i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
