the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
