Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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