you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
