.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
