We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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