if you like me you must not know who I am
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
