Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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