jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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