You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
