community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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