Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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