Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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