WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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