I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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