he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
