I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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