I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
