You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
