Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
