she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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