Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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