6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
