you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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