So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
