I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
