I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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