he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My ATM looks so different sober.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
