I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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