Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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