You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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