I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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