The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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