his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
