He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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