I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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