thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
