i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
