Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize