he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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