We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
