just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
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We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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