Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
