No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
