I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize