sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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