i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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