omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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