My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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