i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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