In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
