you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
