I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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