You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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