The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
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My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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