Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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